"There was  a man present who brought shame on them and never drank so much that he would say he was no longer thirsty." -- from Egil Skallagrimsson's Saga (translated by Gwyn Jones) in which Egil himself is possessed by a Guzzlewhomper.

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The Guzzle Whomper

Legend tells us of an evil spirit that has dogged the boot heels of the MacThoys for many a year. This spirit has been called many things by those who encounter it, but sit back and let me bend your ears a bit, and I'll tell ye the Tale of the Guzzle whomper.

Oh aye, ye kin laugh now, but the very presence of this beastie is enough to freeze the blood in the veins of a grown man. Why, it's said that it's chill touch can put a MacThoy off their drink for at least an hour, so take heed. Ye'll know it first by an unnatural thirst, a desert-like parching, a veritable Sahara of dryness in yer throat. Only one thing seems to quench it -- beer. And not a piddly pint or six, but barrels and hogsheads and tuns and vats of the amber brew. Worst of all, the Guzzlewhomper takes the beer from yer very belly, and keeps it for its own. So, you drink and drink, but ye don't feel any of the fine medicinal effects of such an awesome amount of the barley blessing.


Why I've heard tell of a Guzzlewhomper that sucked the sterner stuff straight out of a poor soul, leaving him with a fine collection of empty Scotch bottles and nary a dime in his purse. A sad tale indeed.  With my own eyes did I witness two lasses, possessed by that damnable Guzzlewhomper, drain a keg of fine ale between them. It started slow enough, but soon they were pouring that beer down their gullets until not a drop was left for the rest of us. A sorry state indeed. The only cure for the Guzzlewhomper is to starve it out. Hie thyself to a lake or well and drink your fill [of water -ed] till the awful compulsion leaves you. Sadly, this is harder to do than it sounds, and it may require the assistance of yer companions - whose beer it is yer drinking. So, mark my words, if ye be drinkin with yer friends and ye can't get a buzz, tis a Guzzlewhomper that's got hold ye.

Be sure to drink all your beer kids, or the GUZZLEWHOMPER WILL GET YA! <lunges for kids, laughing as they scatter>

--from audio taped interviews of the MacThoy Elders, transcribed by Groovella MacThoy

Last modified: October 01, 2005

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