Lucifer is a very Patient Fellow

So Yaweh kicks Lucifer out of the house for sassing him. Lucifer is stripped of all rank and privilege and sent packing. Yahweh has this project he's been working on, and it goes ahead as planned, despite all the domestic unpleasantness. Just so happens that the "project" is to create a universe and populate it with beings "in His own image". "For fuck sake, how vain can you get?" thinks Lucifer. "A whole universe full of prats like Him? Sheesh!!" Then Lucifer thinks: "Hey, waitaminute! They're gonna have opposable digits, the capacity to reason abstractly AND free will. Hoo hoo hoo, hoo hoo!!" So, the very minute Eve gets a handle on the walking and talking thing, Lucy's in there swinging. Thus begins the devil's romancing of mankind. Stay tuned for our next installment titled: The Plan.

Lucifer is seated at desk in his poshly appointed English Study. Brocaded red velvet draperies frame dusty shelves filled to the ceiling with ancient and arcane tomes of every manner. The brass fixtures and mahogany furnishings bear the sheen of untold centuries of hand polishing. Nothing in the room suggests anything but opulence to the nth degree.

Seated opposite the Old One is his Aide de Camp, Yog Sothoth; currently in the manifestation of a bespectacled and balding middle aged man whom you'd easily mistake for a mild mannered investment banker. He quietly clears his throat and tilts his chin down slightly to peer intently at his master over the top of his half-moon glasses. Lucifer shifts in his high back chair and the sumptuous leather creaks under the weight of his massive, naked bulk. His face is in shadow, his yellow eyes luminous.

"Mistakes have been made, without question," says Lucifer. "but the great advantage of eternal existence is that a mistake is only an advantage that hasn't been played out yet."

"He deprived you of much, my Lord," says Yog "but your wisdom you kept. Due to your diligence and patience, The Plan is nearly realised. My staff estimate there may be as little as four centuries left until we may proceed with victory assured."

"You know Yog, for the last millennium or so, I've been thinking that maybe omnipotence isn't all it's cracked up to be."

"Lord?" says Yog, looking dismayed and quizzical at once.

"It's just that we've had a blast merely fucking around with these monkeys for so long that I'm sad it's almost over. The ultimate seat of power still has its attractions, don't get me wrong; but relief form the burdens of rule all these aeons has been great! Sometimes you just don't want the holiday to end and then have to go home."

"It's true Lord, and I also have my trepidation of the return to power. Things we have set in motion cannot now be halted. They must not keep what they have wrought; it would mean disaster. You know as well as I that Armageddon must go ahead as planned."

  "If only that bastard hadn't sucker punched me when I was storming off in a huff. Don't ever turn your back on a hothead, Yog. Look at all the trouble it's caused me!"

"I've taken it under advisement every time you've mentioned it Lord. Every day for the last fifty some odd thousand years..." With a scowl, Lucifer raises an eyebrow and stares menacingly at Yog for a pregnant moment, then chuckles softly.

"Forty thousand years ago I'd have flayed your intestines for a comment like that!"

"Fortunately for me, Lord, so long the damnation seems to have provided you with a sense of humour."

"In any case, old friend, let's get down to business. You said your people estimate only four more centuries. Are we indeed that close?"

"Yes, Lord. I've seen the research and cross-referenced the figures myself. Except..."

"Except what? It's always something in the eleventh hour, isn't it?"

"Here's where your sense of humour comes in, Lord. We're having to put out a lot of fires in the endgame!"

"Yog! I thought we were in the fire 'starting' business!"

"Oh we still are, of course! It seems in the last century that the humans have nearly taken themselves out too early. We anticipated the danger of that happening, so for the last fifty years my operatives have been going up and doing "good" to keep those morons from blowing each other up. It's been a hell of a juggling act to keep things tense but not terminally tense."

"If the Final Battle is so imminent, how are they able to keep up the necessary research?"

"It's the warlords who are seeing to it, my liege! It is our hope that the generals are as daft as they appear to be. If the scientists can keep the ultimate answer out of the hands of the military complex, all is well. Their cunning is to be their own undoing, as you designed."

"So my plan has not yet faltered? They have nearly uncovered His secrets?"

"Yes, my Lord. And more! They now know things that He never bothered with because it was enough for Him that He could simply do them."

"Do we have adequate placement to assure the acquisition of the technology and the total destruction of humankind?"

"As I said Lord, we have four centuries, more or less. The details of the transition are constantly attended and updated by our top personnel."

"It's cutting it a bit fine, don't you think?"

"There is always risk to any worthwhile venture, Lord. I believe it was you who taught me that originally. The timing of an enterprise of this magnitude is finer than Swiss clockwork."

"Ah! The Swiss!! And how are my favorite monkeys these days?"

"As prosperous as ever, my Lord. As prosperous as ever!"

"Tremendous! I have a special place for them in my kingdom when this is all over. Lovely people, the Swiss."

--as spun by Laird Og

Last modified: October 01, 2005

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