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Beer
Scooter
How many times have you
awakened in
the morning after a hard night drinking and
thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As
hard as you try you cannot piece
together your return journey from the pub to
your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you
used a Beer Scooter.
The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of
transport, owned and leased to the drunk by
Bacchus the Roman god of wine.
The Beer
Scooter works in the following fashion: The passenger reaches a certain level
of drunkenness and the "slurring gland"
begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or
one of his many sub-contractors detects this
pheromone and sends down a winged Beer
Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger
and deposits them in their bedroom via a
trans-Dimensional Portal.
This is not cheap to run, so a large
portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is
taken as payment. This answers the second
question after a night out: 'How did I spend so much money?'
An
undocumented feature of the beer scooter is
the destruction of time segments during the
trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional
Portals dictates that time will be lost,
seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a
third question after a night out 'What the
hell happened?'
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With good
intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT
(Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time)
add on that automatically removes, in
descending order, those parts in time
regretted most.
Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not
necessarily the REMIT of another and quite
often lost time is regained in discussions
over period of time.
Independent
studies have also shown that Beer Goggles
often cause the scooter's navigation system
to malfunction thus sending the passenger to
the wrong bedroom, often with horrific
consequences.
Don't forget the on-board heater,
which allows you to comfortably get home
from the pub in sub-zero temperatures,
wearing just a T-shirt.
With recent models including a GPS,
Bacchus made an investment in a scooter
drive-thru chain specializing in half eaten
burgers, breakfast burritos, and pizza
crusts. Another question answered!!
For the family man, Beer Scooters come
equipped with flowers picked from other
people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots
(Patent Pending). These boots are designed
in such a way that no matter how quietly you
tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake
up your other half.
Special anti-gravity springs ensure
that you bump into every wall in the house
and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance
System) explains the bruised shins.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to
invest in for some scooters is the TAS
(Tobacco Absorption System). This explains
how one person can apparently get through
260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.
--author
unknown
details supplied by Ah-Pook, Clan
Bard
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