If I had a penis
I’d wear it outside
In cafes and car lots
With pomp and with pride
If I had a penis
I’d take it to parties
Stretch it and stroke it
And shove it at smarties
I’d take it to pet shows
And teach it to stay
I’d stuff it in turkeys
On Thanksgiving Day
I’d rival my buddies
In sports cars and stick shifts
I’d shower my spire
With girlies and gifts
I’d peek around corners
I’d aim at my toilet
I’d poke it at foreigners
I’d soap it and oil it
If I had a penis
I’d run to my mother
Comb out the hair
And compare it to brother
I’d lance her, I’d knight her
My hands would indulge
Pants would seem tighter
And buckle and bulge
A penis to plunder
A penis to push
‘Cause one in the hand
is worth one in the bush
A penis to love me
A penis to share
To pick up and play with
When nobody’s there
I’d sit like a boy
I’d straddle the chair
I’d play with my fly
Albeit with care
I’d dip it in chocolate
I’d stick it in sockets
I’d stroll to the movies
With hands deep in pockets
I’d stick it in vacuums
On vacant verandahs
Gas guzzling Volvos
And poodles and pandas
In puddles and drainpipes
In doggies and ditches
Pool-halls and potholes
And bottles and bitches
Zucchini’s and Zebras
Tomatoes, tomatoes
In pineapples, pumpkins
And Gulches and grottos
In melons and marshmallows
Gloves and gorillas
Slurpies and slippers
Chinooks and chinchillas
A penis to plunder
A penis to push
"Cause one in the hand
Is worth one in the bush
A penis to love me
A penis to share
To pick up and play with
When nobody’s There
If I had a penis
I’d climb every mountain
I’d force it on females
I’d pee like a fountain
If I had a penis
I’d still be a girl
But I’d make much more money
And Conquer the world!
